Went to my parents on Saturday expecting a somewhat normal family night.
Found out my Grandpa who has suffered from Alzheimer's for a number of years isn't doing to well and is probably going to die soon.
How soon is soon?
They didn't know.
Two days later and my mother and her mother haven't left his bed. I called to get information and all I heard was gasping and yelling in the background. Apparently he's in a lot of pain but he made it through last night and is a little more comfortable.
I'm upset because I'm not upset. He's been gone for three years but at least his body was still here...and now it's not going to be and I can't find it in me to cry. The man practically raised me and I can't shed one tear...how fucked up does that make me?
I wanted to go see him but my Mom said it would be too upsetting. He's almost six feet tall and currently weighs about eighty pounds because he's forgotten how to swallow. I just want to see him and be upset by it and cry and cry. I can't.
All I can hear is him singing me "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly" over and over. I can't, however, remember much else. Has it really been that long since I looked him in the eye and watched his papery skin crinkle around it as he smiled? Apparently so....I have pictures of him all over my fridge and around the apartment...but it isn't the same.
He has eyes that are so sparkly it always looks like he's crying. And I can't even cry one tear for him.
What is WRONG with me?!
I just want him back. I'll even take the version of him with moderate Alzheimer's. Occasionally mixing up words, getting frustrated for no reason, and repeating himself...it's all tolerated because at least he knew who we were and he could speak. He doesn't even look like himself or at least he didn't the last time I saw him.
It's not fair that this disease took his mind..but its SUPER unfair that it's taking his body too.
I. just. want. to. cry.
